This Is My Life

by klparry

Hello Friends!

I remind myself to stop at the store as I ready to leave work – I need cat food.

At the end of that thought a pain pierces my chest, cutting like a knife through bone and muscle until it finds my back – thrusting upward into neck, jaw, ear and then my brain; abject fear floods into every cell, every atom of my being.

I think, “What is happening?”

Then I can’t think at all – I am dying.

Rational thought leaves me, distorted instinct moves my hands to spill out my purse – to spill out the aspirin bottle; I see the Xanax alongside it.

I know what a panic attack feels like. This is not one.

I bite the pill in half fearing that I could make matters worse if I take more.

As I climb into my car I tell myself, ” Stay calm.”

The pain is excruciating, unrelenting – the fear, a fire consuming me. I am burning.

Fuck it! I drive through the red light.

I pray to God, asking him for the name of the street the hospital is on – I can’t remember.

Inside the Emergency Room the technician pulls the sticky tabs from my chest.

“Your heart looks fine,” he says, then asks. “Do you have a history of anxiety?”

Still, the pain continues.

I close my eyes and ask myself, “How could this happen? I’m in a good place, now.”

Ashamed – I feel foolish, vulnerable, frail as I work to convince my body that the pain is not real.

Outside, it’s dark, quiet, the air warm; it feels good. I climb into my car, weak and broken.

I remind myself to stop at the store – I still need cat food.

 

Yup, this is my life. Not often, but every once in a while.

Until Thursday, WRITE ON!

~ K. L. Parry

 

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